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The Slave Within

I will do it, because it's what I am.

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joscelinverreui

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November 3rd, 2009

Posture

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A few weeks ago, Mistress told me that after I was finished with my current massive task in applying to grad school, that she knew what she was going to train me to do.  Specifically, posture.

Despite the abrupt lack of continuity in this blog which I cannot guarantee I will rectify (this is as close as I'll get to apologizing for not posting), the gentle reader may remember that "training" is quite a deep part of my sexuality, and "posture" figures prominently in most of my fantasies.  So it should be fantastic, and I desperately hope it will come to pass.

She then told me to spend the rest of our hike practicing, which I was nervous about, but acknowledged.  It was good.

She then told me that there would be a time where she would punish me if she caught me slouching.  And I freaked the hell out.

As near as I can tell, she's understandably nervous.  How can you train a slave who's going to lose it every time you exert your control?  How can you not feel rejected while you're at it?

At the same time, I know that freaking out is exactly what I needed to do in that situation.  I've gotten us both in much, much more trouble by not freaking out than I have by freaking out, and experience has shown that if I'm scared or concerned, then I should express it.  I should express it as gently as I can, but I should express it no matter how gentle I might fail to be.

We agreed, at the time, to try the training, and for me to trust her, even if that means getting a little hurt.  I can see where she's coming from, since a lot of what I get scared of sometimes is fear itself.  At the same time, most of our experience indicates that trust comes from humoring my distrust, and failing to express my distrust only breeds more distrust.  Believe me, I'd love to be able to just trust her, and I know (intellectually) that nothing is going to happen that will really be that bad.  I just worry I won't be able to the next time I get scared, and if that happens, I won't just get hurt, I'll hurt her.  I have a hard time with that.

I'm going to start by assuming that she wants to do this for herself.  It's ok that my enjoyment is part of that, but I have to just trust her to act in her own best interest.  If not, then I hope it's clear all I asked for was to be able to talk about training comfortably, not actually do it.  Yes, the latter is important, but the former is vital.

Given that assumption, I think what I'd like to do is try and use this blog as a way to express my feelings.  I've done this before with varying levels of success, but I think the key is to try and keep my statements "me-focused" and not really talk about her.  I may not post again for months, or I may have something to say as soon as we (hopefully) start.

Right now, all I have is that I hope she understands that this will be very difficult for me.  It's precisely that difficulty that makes it hot (and deep, and emotional, and important), so there's no way around it, but being "eased into" whatever she asks of me will go a long way.  I realize she already knows this, but that doesn't change the fact that it will help me relax to have said it, and that's an important thing I can do for her.

The other thing is to address something she mentioned when I freaked out a few weeks ago: I don't think I'm going to try to optimize the training.  She once told me that there was a part of me that was absolutely determined to keep myself safe, and the more I thwarted it the more intent it became.  I think she was absolutely right.  One way to convince this part of me that I'm safe is to get all the information, express my needs, and then demand the needs get met.  While that doesn't sound very submissive, it has, in the past, opened the door to deeper submission.  For example, I am much less likely to get scared about an oncoming cane stroke in a scene, and my pain tolerance is accordingly much higher than it was several months ago.  I become more convinced that this is merely an effective way to negotiate rather than my need to optimize.

On the other hand, just because it works for me, doesn't mean it works for my partner, and there has been a lot of complex emotion about training in the past.  We have a much better understanding than we used to, and I think if I keep writing these posts, I'll be able to keep my fears in check.

I explicitly invite my Mistress not to reply to this post.  If she does not, I'll assume that she already knew everything she read, had already taken them into account, and believes things will go well.  That, or she's currently considering how she wants to respond.  However, it's certainly the case that a bit of positive acknowledgement about what she already knew and whether this post changed her strategy would probably help me relax.  Additionally, if this is not the time for this project, I'd be happy to learn that too.

February 10th, 2009

Feels naked

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Mistress washed my collar while I was out late today.  Why she does this herself and doesn't have me do it, I don't know, but I find it has a nice poetry to it.  Almost like she does it because it's her collar, which it is.

The old leather one, actually.  The metal one proved too unsnugglable.

As a result, though, I had to go several hours today without it.  And it drove me nuts.  Doesn't bother me when I'm not in the house, but when I am, and I'm not wearing my collar, it's distinctly uncomfortable.

And that fact is very, very hot.

December 18th, 2008

Owned

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We just signed the contract, and she locked the new steel collar around my neck.

She's my owner now.

I'll do what I can to please her.

I hope she makes my slavery hard.

She says it will be.

November 3rd, 2008

A slightly different angle

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I was hoping to get the opportunity to post my thoughts on some of the things Mistress and I have been discussing lately. Mistress just wrote a post about her own thoughts, so this is a great opportunity to share a slightly different angle.

A few weeks ago, I had the brilliant idea of asking her, "if I want to do something out of the blue to make you feel submitted to, how could I do that?" It seemed like one of those central questions that, once you ask, immediately open up whole realms of possibility. And indeed, it's really gotten me thinking. After all, if she wants me to feel dominated, she has many ways to accomplish it. She can order me to spread my legs, or grab my hair, or just tell me I'm a slave. It all gets me into a nice submissive headspace.

If I want to do the same, but she's not already specifically in the mood, what can I do? How can I make her feel submitted to if she's not asking anything of me? It almost seems to defy the concept of "submission".

And yet, in a vanilla relationship, we would definitely say that there is a problem if exactly one partner is always seducing the other. From this, we get the feeling she referenced in her post: I don't know how I can express my feelings if she doesn't specifically solicit them.

Quoth my Mistress:

If he feels like submitting to me and I haven’t given him any instructions, well surely he could find something to do for me, couldn’t he? There’s plenty of stuff obviously needing to be done - any number of household tasks or ordinary favors. I don’t think that is a very satisfying form of submission, though. I think in order for Jos to enjoy submitting, he has to feel either forced or appreciated (or both).
True, in a sense. Is doing the dishes likely to make her feel submitted to? I doubt it. The dishes, and most of the rest of the chores, are things that conscientious roommates do to keep the place nice. If you do it to make someone feel submitted to, you're also saying you wouldn't do it anyway, which can turn the whole thing sour. When she says, "Jos has to be appreciated," I'm pretty sure she means, "What Jos does has to be appreciated as service," which is probably not going to be the case.

In thinking about the idea of "wanting more opportunities to submit" one of the most salient conclusions I arrive at is that I'm not using the opportunities I do have. When I kneel to hand her something, do I simply kneel and get up as quickly as possible, or do I put some thought and energy into moving slowly and methodically, making eye contact, trying to imagine how I'd like her to make me feel, remembering the times I did feel that way, and trying to make my eyes show it?

After all, making the relationship more sexy for her cannot possibly harm my position. I really wish I knew how to make the relationship sexier for her; I probably always will.

Also, on the topic of sexy for her:

I sometimes wonder if Jos’s desire for more opportunities for submission is basically doomed, like some people’s desire for more sex with their partner who just doesn’t want it as often.
Hypotheses like these bother me, not only because they would be unfortunate (duh), but because I'm afraid they can be self-reinforcing. The picture she paints is certainly one hypothesis that's consistent with the evidence, but another is that I could be doing a better job seducing her, and if I did, she'd enjoy herself more. Of course, the latter explanation sounds a bit overoptimistic, but it's obvious that even if she wasn't as interested in sex as I was, there could still be a lot of room to seduce her and improve our mutual experience.

Lastly, I sorely need to address the following:

What I pointed out is that, when he forgets a protocol, I punish him. And although being punished is unpleasant, the general dynamic of being subject to punishment is hot and good. But on my side, when I forget a protocol, I hurt his feelings. And the dynamic of hurting your lover’s feelings through momentary inattention or forgetfulness is not a fun one. And I think that is why I am reluctant to add more and more protocols.
Amen.

I just wish I'd seen it that way when I was doing my venting.  And indeed, I have gotten my feelings quite hurt over her forgetting things.  Fortunately, I don't think it has to be this way; there are things I could do.  For example, when she brought this up the first time (and I thanked her profusely for opening my eyes), I asked her to agree to apologize if she went to snatch something out of my hand.  That night (sometime last week), she went to snatch something out of my hand, but then apologized.  My feelings were totally unhurt, and I thought it was a very powerful bonding experience for us both.  The fact that she told me about what it's like on her end allowed me to see it as just a momentary mistake (like I make all the time) and not a reflection on her interest in the protocol itself.  The apology reinforced the idea that she would rather have given me the opportunity to go through the protocol, and simply wasn't paying attention.

Instances like these make me more and more comfortable with the idea of Dom reciprocity -- things that she promises to do for me in response to me doing things for her.  When I began this relationship, I was of the impression, "let the submission rest on the shoulders of the submissive," which I have found repeatedly to be unworkable.  Rather, I think it makes more sense if she promises to accomodate my submission in certain ways.  This might sound like she winds up doing a lot of miserable things to support me, but hopefully it doesn't work out that way.  Whatever she does is supposed to reinforce the D/s dynamic for both of us, not make her feel like a submissive herself.  Promising not to take things from my hands without giving me a chance to kneel is an example -- totally asymmetric, flexible for her since she has an easy next move to make if she simply forgets, and something that reminds us what our roles are during our everyday interaction.

October 29th, 2008

Some corrections

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Power is out at work, can't get any work done from home, and I'm running on 6 or so hours of sleep.  I seem to be doing pretty good despite all that.

I'm in a weird mood, so I'm going to try writing again.

I think it's fair to say my last post shook my Mistress pretty hard.  I suspect this is partially because she looks forward to me posting, and the first post in a long time was negative.  So first, I definitely need to confess that I was wrong about "training": as she said, she's not into it because it's not her kink, and is allergic to it because of the way I used to bring it up.  The way I painted the picture last night was careless; frankly, it would have come out nicer had I been more careful in my editing.

What leaves me uncomfortable is the fact that editing or no, I was operating under at least some misunderstanding.  I mean, I know I knew that it wasn't her kink, and I understood that I'd used the word too much in the wrong circumstances, and that was bad.  But I really did feel like it was substantially about the effort involved.  Hence my post -- the idea is to clear some of this shit up.

At this point, I recognize fully that my Mistress loves what we do, wants to do more, and cares about it.  I also recognize that she works really, really hard in this relationship, just like I do.  But despite the pain it will inevitably cause, I think it's relevant and worthwhile to figure out why I feel the way I do.  This is going to involve evidence from different sources; hopefully, it doesn't come across as me kitchen-sinking all the facets of our relationship.  I'd rather my Mistress, at least, look at it as a shopping list of things that we should discuss that I could use some clarification on.  I think I'd be a lot more comfortable if I found out where she felt about some of this stuff.

The first one is bondage.  Unlike "training", she doesn't seem not to have a kink for it.  I really actually have no idea how fond of it she is herself, either being tied up or tying someone up.  Now, I've seen her become incredibly distressed about ropes and chains, so much so I became actively uncomfortable (blaming myself for wanting it, when she was clearly so miserable).  I give you: they're not easy.  Tying up a human being effectively is fucking hard shit.  Worse, it's a geometry kind of thing, and those hit her stress buttons pretty hard.

One exercise I've been engaging in recently is to compare bondage to something I have a hard time at.  One thing I'm very bad at is approaching people.  For example, if my Mistress assigned me the task of going to a play party and propositioning everyone there for some light play activity that I'm willing to do with almost anyone -- say, a fully clothed spanking -- I'd just about lose my mind.  To someone for whom approaching people is not as hard, it might seem like I was unwilling to put the effort in to complete the task.  Looking at it this way, I find it's much easier to keep this difficulty in perspective.

Now that I've brought up bondage, I need to remind everyone what's happened recently (because you all read my Mistress's blog very carefully, right?).  One, we collaborated to install an eyebolt in the wall.  It rocks; we've had a lot of fun with it.  Two, Mistress asked me to learn how to do rope bondage so I could teach her.  For someone who has a weakness for something, this is a really cool move.  Her asking me for help definitely makes it harder for me to believe it's simply a matter of effort, which is a good thing.  Three, in a moment that still melts my heart more than a week afterwards, she took one of my suggestions for predicament bondage, a suggestion I made weeks prior and which turned out to be really cool.

The second facet I want to bring up is my exercise.  Mistress implemented this early in our relationship, and I dutifully exercised 180-200 minutes per week, every week (except for trips, sickness, and other exemptions), for roughly 15 months.  I also kept a log of me having done so, which she had access to.  In terms of service and obedience, it was an overwhelming success.  But in terms of actual exercise, well, it was better than nothing.  I spent the vast majority of the time simply walking, which while I'm sure was helpful, could have been more helpful.

She tells me that as originally proposed, my exercise would have been more strenuous, but she never enforced this facet.  I still don't know why.  We rarely discussed requirements on the vigor of the exercise; the times we did, I wound up feeling guilty but feeling that if she wanted to change things, she would.  My best guess here is that the exercise started so early in the relationship that she wasn't even sure I'd be able to do it.  Thus, when things didn't go as planned, she figured, "oh well, at least he's doing it."  As the relationship matured, she never overturned her original decision due to momentum.

Either way, she's changed things up.  Now the exercise is more strenuous, at a club, and with her.  She's also developed a workout plan for me to follow, which again melts my heart.  I love specifics.

Third, I mentioned in the previous post the difficulties I've had with kneeling to hand her things.  I would like to reiterate that I can't remember the last time she did that.

A fourth example is posture.  I freely admit that my memory may be wrong here, but I recall her telling me that she didn't like my posture when I walked (it genuinely sucks and she's not the first to notice), and she was thinking of having me spend ten minutes of exercise time every day consciously working on keeping my back straight and my shoulders back.  I made some effort to do this anyway, and made some progress on my own.  Weeks or months later, I demonstrated to her, and she was pretty psyched.  But I felt hurt in that (as far as I recall) she never actually instituted the project, and even if she did, she didn't do anything to monitor my progress until I was basically done.

Notice how all the things I'm talking about are already being resolved or have been resolved?  Notice how I'm talking about the past?  I wish I'd been more clear about that in my previous post.  Believe me, the fact hasn't escaped me.  Hopefully, with a nice conversation, we can clear up some of the lingering feelings attached here.

October 28th, 2008

Sadism or Dominance?

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Sex geek just wrote a post which moved me rather greatly.  Mistress and I were talking about earlier (days ago?) and she joked that she didn't mention it because she didn't want me to feel jealous.

Things like protocol, structure, and projects are on the list of things I don't ask for anymore.  Given some conversations she and I have had recently, I'm trying to make an effort to move things off that list, so when they come up I bring them up.  I'm also advised that this blog is a great forum for doing this, since I'm not there watching here when she reads it, and that helps.

First of all, I need to say that I agree with Sex Geek's every word on her post.  It's a great read.  I deeply wish my Mistress had the sort of deep appreciation for the transformative effects of structure and protocol that Sex Geek does.  I would feel so much more able to express the submissiveness I have to her.

But it highlights a deeper issue, one that we're making a lot of progress on, but one that's still a bit of a sore spot.  When Mistress and I discussed my frustrations with recent scenes, I mentioned that if I were deciding the scenes, there would be a lot more bondage.  She asked me why I thought there wasn't more bondage, and I said, "I think because it's too much work."  Since that time, we've done a lot of really interesting new things, including installing an eyebolt in the wall.  She also asked me to learn about ropes to teach her.  But I still feel like the reason she didn't do more bondage in the first place is not because she doesn't enjoy having me tied up, but because it's a lot of work.

I feel like in a lot of situations, she'd rather just sit down and hurt me, and would rather dispense with the details.  And that feeling of mine (which probably has some basis in reality and some basis in bullshit) makes me pretty angry.

Take, for example, that one of our protocols is that I need to kneel to hand things to her.  I get to do this quite a lot, but a lot of times (less so recently, but still sometimes), she gets impatient and just grabs something out of my hand.  It hurts when she does that, and I'm not sure she realizes it (I try not to grumble too loud).  When she does that, she tells me that it's ok for me to put in effort to make the dynamic work, but she won't make an effort to adjust her behavior herself.  I feel like the D/s is one-sided, or that I'm carrying the D/s by myself.

Another issue is training.  The idea of being trained to become something new, with or against my will, is something that's at the center of my fantasies.  I am, at this point, essentially forbidden from mentioning the word.  She's allergic to it, and it jars her out of headspace.  Why?  Because if she is to train me, it requires work.  Thinking.  Planning.  Diligence.  None of which, she has claimed, are large parts of her character.  Note that the link there is quite old, but I still experience strong feelings over that post.

Being in a relationship requires work, thinking, planning, and diligence, especially the kind of "relationship on steroids" a 24/7 D/s relationship works.  She tells me she wants more.  She tells me my submission is the most wonderful thing in the world to her, and if she knew how to get more, she would.  But I tell her how to get more.

Now, of course, it's not all this simple.  I've been building fantasies my whole life, and she's only been considering being a dominant for a year and a half.  In that time, I've found that the best way to let her figure out how to get what she wants is to let her figure out how to get what she wants.  It has worked wonders, honestly, and much of the reason I don't bring certain things up is that I've found they have a tendency to work themselves out if I keep my mouth shut.  I am basically unable to keep my mouth shut if I'm not completely confident that all will eventually be right in the world, and for that matter, I've even discovered that I can be wrong on certain issues.  Besides which, if anything is going to work, it must feel to her as if it's her way.  I firmly believe that.

But the suspicion that "it's too much effort" really turns a lot of things sour.

She told me recently, that she wants to make an effort to listen to the "planful, theatrical, willful" part of herself rather than the "Imp of the Perverse" as I sometimes call it.  As far as things feel on my end, she wants to be more of a dominant than a sadist.  Frankly, the idea of "wandering aimlessly through the woods with no real direction" when she's got a three foot implement of torture in her hand and can't feel what she's doing to me, is pretty terrifying.  I think, now that she's got some experience and has an idea where she wants to go, that having a vision and working towards it is a better plan for both of us.

July 29th, 2008

Management

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Last night, Mistress asked me to post about how I was feeling about the current episode of orgasm denial.  She wants an enriching assignment, sort of like what Rita Seagrave did with me.

<hot scene smut>
My last orgasm was Friday night, having intercourse.  Saturday, she decided she wanted to be a bit cruel and after trying out the new nipple clamps, she had me edge myself and fuck her several times while she teased me in a variety of ways.  She was very clear about the fact that she wasn't going to let me have an orgasm before we started playing Saturday (or at least before we started fucking)
</hot scene smut>.

The orgasm denial isn't bothering me as much as it usually does.  What has been bothering me is the fact that I haven't had much desperation to convey during the numerous times she's asked me if I was horny over the past few days.  Right now, I'm doing a fantastic job of managing the sexual frustration, much as I manage pain during a scene.  This is primarily because I suspect that she's "taking advantage" of the fact that my work on my thesis has hit a lull and I'm not as stressed out, so I also suspect she is going to wait as long as possible to let me have an orgasm again.  I don't want to go nuts in the mean time.  Of course, I feel guilty that I'm managing it so well.  I'm making it harder for her to make me suffer.  I'm resisting her.

I would also, of course, feel guilty if I weren't managing my horniness.  If I were spending hours jacking off fruitlessly I'd lament the lost time as well as be guilty about increasing my risk of accidentally having an orgasm.  Similarly, I would feel guilty for not managing pain well, because it would limit what she would be able to do with me.

A few times a while back, no doubt while having sex or at very least in a scene, I have asked her if she planned to continue controlling me in the ways she currently does.  She of course agreed.  Then I said, "so I should get used to the pain and the suffering then?"  and she said something to the effect of, "You better not."  I don't believe she has any idea how I took it those times, but it's been bothering me more and more lately.  I can't help but hear her say, "I don't ever want you to learn to cope with what I do to you.  I don't want you to be able to control your feelings."  In a sense, I feel as if the things that I can do to manage the difficulties in being her slave are unwelcome.  I don't feel welcome breathing deeply, staying calm, not screaming, contemplating the relationship between pain and fear, avoiding masturbating and pornography, or any of the other things I can do to make my life easier.

Even though I don't feel welcome, I don't actually think Mistress doesn't want me to do these things.  I mean, she apparently really got off on it while I managed the pain from the nipple clamps.  Other times, she orders me not to masturbate at all, let alone to orgasm, so that I won't make myself miserable/distract myself from my thesis/have insomnia.  Occasionally she congratulates me for breathing deeply during a scene.

My honest analysis is that she hasn't gotten it fully worked out in her head whether she wants me to manage things, or at least, hasn't realized the full extent of what management entails.  I think it appeals to her that it will never get any easier on me, whereas she also loves me and has sympathy for what I go through. 

But I know what I want.  Ideally, I want her to want me to do whatever I can to make my immediate situation as comfortable as possible, within the restrictions she has placed me.  It  may in fact be the case that she wants this, but I tend to suspect that a sadist would want me to make my immediate situation as uncomfortable as possible in service to her.  As such, I imagine draconian restrictions on my behavior that are often obviously ridiculous and unintended.  For example, I imagine that I'm not supposed to avoid masturbating or pornography.  I totally realize that if I'm not supposed to avoid masturbating or pornography, then she needs to say so.  Nonetheless, I feel guilty.

The desire for her to want me to do what makes my immediate situation the most comfortable stems quite readily from the fact that I want to be forced.   If I'm being forced to endure suffering (either because I'm bound by my promises of submission or I'm physically bound), then I'm going to do everything in my power to minimize the suffering.  If I'm allowed to try to minimize my suffering, then I know it's her inflicting the suffering, not me.  In other words, I know the suffering isn't pointless.

After all, "forced" is a tricky thing to want.  You don't want good things, because you would willingly experience them anyway and it's difficult to believe that they are being forced upon you.  You don't just want bad things in the sense that you certainly don't want your partner to do bad things to you and believe that they are good things; for example, if your partner thinks you like drinking cold piss out of a bowl they'll offer it to you just like any other thing you like, and now you're doing something that sucks without being forced to.  So wanting to be forced can appear paradoxical in that you appear to like what you don't like.  In reality, you just want it presented right.

One thing I need to keep in mind is that "managing" doesn't mean "reducing".  Even though I'm not glued to the chair with my favorite porn sites up, I am still conscious of the need not to start down that path.  Likewise, when I fight to process pain, it doesn't mean it hurts less, it just means I'm less likely to dread the next scene and need a lighter "repair" scene.  Possibly, I might be more appealing to my Mistress if I'm not managing my discomfort well than if I am managing it well, but it doesn't serve her in the long run.  For one, I can't keep up the intensity if I'm not managing things well.  And for two, I think that there is an intimacy which emerges from the combination fact that I'm managing and she's making things more extreme to compensate.  I think that intimacy serves her much more.

July 17th, 2008

The scene

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When we negotiated switching for the weekend, we were basically daring each other.  Neither one of us thought the other one was up to it.  She thought I would be squicked by her submission and have an impossible time topping someone who I looked up to as my Mistress and owner; I thought she wouldn't be able to handle the intensity of what I would do.  The fact that we resolved this question (i.e., what would happen) is probably one of the most valuable things I got out of the scene.

She's the only person I've ever topped, and I've only done it twice.  It was when we first met, February-ish '07.  Both times, I was pretty dedicated to stopping when she got really uncomfortable, and when she told me that she would rather I acted differently, I made a point of it to remember that.  Essentially, I was trying to be a service top and give as much pleasure as I could.

This was not my attitude when we had our scene last week.

I was exhausted, working on my thesis, and didn't really have time to plan anything overly elaborate.  I realize for me, "overly elaborate" may not mean what it means for anyone, but nonetheless, I didn't have time to make a task out of preparation.  I knew I wanted to make her feel helpless, controlled, and forced; those are the things I love when I'm a bottom, so I wanted to enjoy giving them to someone topping them.  Even if it wasn't what she wanted.

I latched on to the idea of making her hurt herself.  This had a number of benefits:
1. It's a mindfuck.
2. It's much, much harder to go too far, so safer if i want a one-time, intense scene.
3. It's something she's never done topping me, and something I'd like her to.

I also decided on nipple clamps, because I love them myself.

The first question I had to ask was, "how do I create the mood, and keep this hot?"  I decided, after brief consideration, that the best way to turn her on would be to turn myself on, and vice versa.  So I did several things to build up to the scene.

First, while I was working and had about half an hour until I wanted to do the scene, she came in to her old bedroom I was using as an office to ask me something.  Turns out, "she just wanted to watch me."  (damn, she says the most wonderful things sometimes.)  I knew it wouldn't be long, so I had her stand five or more feet away from me in a formal posture with her hands behind her back.  I then proceeded to ignore her as best as I was able to get her into the mood.

Halfway through this, she was starting to get tired of standing, and I had her get a kitchen chair and sit instead.

For once, my task took as long as expected, so it was time to move on to the next thing.  I had her be silent, and give me a shower.  Damn, oh fucking damn.  I want to give her a shower sometime too.  It was the most fantastic, erotic, warm, soapy, showery experience.  The way she moved me around without speaking, washed my hair, rinsed me with the detachable shower hose, all very gently and efficiently but erotically.  All while she was wearing a chain locked around her neck as an impromptu collar.

I was definitely topspacey by the time she got done.

After we stepped out of the shower, I reached between her legs and found her gushingly wet.  So I did something I've always been curious about doing: I pinched her clit painfully.  I'm still curious how that felt; she definitely didn't like it, so I kissed her and in between kissing her said, "suffer."

When we got back into the office (mostly clear of furniture, which I liked), I got a little pink square of paper and a bit of tape and hung it up on the wall.  I told her not to move her eyes from the pink square.  I tried to make a point of it to move around and do stuff behind her back where she couldn't see me.  Again, mindfucking.

Next was the bit gag she bought a while ago.  It locks on, and I was hoping to lock it around her head.  She loves it on me, and I wish she'd use it more often, but I wanted to make good use of the locking feature.   Unfortunately, she started panicking almost immediately and it took all her effort not to gag.  I remember taking a good long time figuring out what to do.  I tried to get her to calm down by breathing deeply, but she wouldn't do it.  I didn't want to force her to breathe deeply because I didn't want her any more freaked out that she already was.  But I wanted a bit gag on that scene, and I didn't want her to go through the experience of having her Dom/top release her form a difficult situation because she freaked out.  Eventually, I decided I wasn't comfortable, and took the gag off, but made careful to reassure her that she hadn't done anything wrong or disappointed me in any way.  I didn't want her to have that burden to bear.

Then, I went and got the nipple clamps.  I want a more vicious clover clamp set, but these are just fine for the moment.  I put them on, and she showed extreme discomfort.  Then I remembered some of the hopefully hot things I was going to say and started saying them.  "It hurts, doesn't it?  "You're doing this for me, because I demand it."  "I'm showing you how far you'll go for me."  I gather much of it didn't hit the mark, but I was doing the best I could without a lot of experience.  Besides, I was enjoying being on the other side for once.  I still like bottoming better, but this was working for me.

Gradually, I upped the ante by putting unlocked padlocks on the chain for weight, and had her lean forward into the chair.  All while her eyes were still pasted to the pink square.  Then I had her shake her torso to shake the weights.

In hindsight, I really think I should have gone with more weight.  I did exactly what I told her to do not fifteen minutes prior, and it was painful but not really as intense as I was aiming for.  But then again, I need to allow for unquantifiable differences between her (female) nipples and my (male) nipples.  I'm not sure if I was just afraid of the way she was reacting or what.

Turns out that staring at the pink square while leaning forward was making her arch her neck up.  Not cool, especially considering her injury.  So I moved the square down on the wall quite a bit.  This wasn't really enough, so I gave up on the square.  Oh well.

It came time to take the clamps off, and so I did them both swiftly and at the same time.

She screamed loud enough I was worried people would call the cops.

At that point, I was pretty much screwed.  If I'm the bottom, I feel very guilty if I've done something like scream that makes the top back off more than I need.  But I also needed to take care of her.  I started with saying, "I'm going to treat that as a 'yellow'" and apologies, and then she did something I couldn't imagine.  She said, "please don't stop."

I was stunned.  And impressed.  And out of ideas.  I couldn't use the clamps again because I couldn't afford to have her scream again.  So I went with tobasco on her clit, which got her really excited.  Then there was fucking on the floor with tobasco and nipple clamps -- which I had her remove herself, figuring she'd probably be able to do it more quietly if I gave her control of it.

To round it all off, I had her give herself an orgasm with her vibrator, lying on the floor next to the power outlet.

Aftercare was pretty easy.  I knew what she needed: absolute acceptance, the knowledge that I couldn't possibly be angry at her, lots of cuddling and love, and a bit of food when she was ready.  Of course, actually carrying it out was tricky since I was a bit dehydrated and had a splitting headache.  Also, I found it to be an uncomfortable amount of time to spend in the same position in bed next to her.  But I did a pretty good job of not letting any of this show.

Later, I asked to switch our roles back.  I was worried this might be a problem if she was headspacey, but it turns out not.  I had really missed being a submissive; it had been creeping up on me the entire weekend.

July 12th, 2008

Pushing

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The last time we decided to switch for a weekend, we essentially chickened out.  I'm sure we had fantastic reasons for not doing it, but I don't recall what they were.  Perhaps we should have tried harder to recall what they were.

Today, at our favorite Mexican restuarant, the conversation digressed into each of us basically daring the other to try and fill each other's role.  Mistress likened the experience to a physics experiment where you make two high-energy, high velocity particles collide in order to observe the pattern and behavior of the subatomic debris that fly everywhere after the explosion; thus, we learn more about ourselves.

I've got a lot to process and there's a small, small chance that maybe it might cause me to post again.  Not terribly likely, but one can hope.

I have, however, arrived at one condensed, coagulated nugget of wisdom ready for the consumption of the untold and unquantifiable masses whose greatest joy and source of meaning in life is reading my scintillating blog.  Barring protest from the powers-that-be-holding-my-leash, I'm going to make an effort to give up my horrible, wrenching guilt about pushing.

"What is pushing?" you ask.  Simple!  Pushing is the application of a force vector on an object where the inner product of the force vector and the vector from the center of mass of the object to the point of contact is negative.  In contrast, pulling is the application of a force vector on an object where the inner product of the force vector and the vector from the center of mass of the object to the point of contact is positive.  In the degenerate case where the inner product is zero, the action is typically called either "rotating" or "slacking" depending on whether the magnitude of the force vector is nonzero.

"No, no, you idiot!"  you say, "what is pushing in a D/s context?"  Simple!  Same thing as above, only this time, with a wooden or metal object designed to impact...

/me ducks

Ok, I'm done now.

See, Mistress and I actually find this kind of humor funny.  I know, I know, just take my word for it.  It's true.

Anyway, when I say pushing, I mean asking for dominance.  The epitome of this is, "Dom-person, please force me to do X."  Feels really weird.  I mean, if you wanted X done, why don't you just do it?  Why do you ask to be forced to do it?  Well, it's because maybe X sucks by itself, but being forced to do X is hot.

Dev (I just can't call her Mistress in this context) came in before she went to bed and spent a good five to ten minutes circuitously asking me to force her to edge herself, which is something I've wound up doing either directly or indirectly because of her quite a number of times.  I, the dom-for-a-day, was happy to tell her that she had to edge herself three times.  In so doing, I realized a few things.

1. There are things we do for our doms that we would never do for ourselves.  This is natural, and part of being whatever kind of submissive that I happen to be.
2. If a dom doesn't want to make you do something you've asked them to make you do, they can simply say no.
3. Asking a dom to make you do things is no more paradoxical than seducing someone into being your dom in the first place.  The only real difference is that when you're seducing, you're saying, "please make me do horrible things!"  When you're requesting a favor, you're saying, "please make me do this particular horrible thing!"  I'm not saying it's not paradoxical, just that I ought to maybe get over it by now
4. Having someone edge herself because you told her to is hot.

Now, I acknowledge that there are drawbacks to pushing.  Asking for all kinds of things can really wear at a person's sense of control over a situation, and you really want the Dom to feel like a Dom.  So it's not something I should do fluently.  But it is also clearly not inherently wrong.  At least not while I'm on top.  ::checks his watch:: about 16 more hours I figure?  Don't quote me on that.

It's really obvious when I'm writing here and I'm tired.  I'm a lot more colorful.  Maybe I should get in the habit of drinking before I post.

June 29th, 2008

Trapped

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Edit: Yeah, it might be nice to have a title for this post.

I'm sure I've mentioned before, one of my "limits" (quotes because I don't really enforce it as such), is that I cannot stand unfairness.  Not unfairness in the sense that I don't get to have as many orgasms as my partner, but unfairness in the sense of injustice.  For example, I won't let a top or Dom give me a task they intend for me to fail at (though I have considered negotiating such a scene just to expose myself to it so I can process my feelings around it).  My Mistress understands this very well, and goes to great efforts to avoid putting me in that kind of situation.

Mistress has been saying this week, over IM, that she wanted to make me beg.  She hasn't cared what, just that she wants to see me beg sincerely for something.  She thinks it will be hot, and I've wanted something like that for a very long time (I try to be selective about what I lobby for), so I was looking forward to it.  Incidentally, Thursday morning, I woke up wearing my collar (like I do every morning) and that was, by itself, hot enough to make me desperate for an orgasm despite having had one just before I went to bed the night previous.  Mistress was keen to take advantage of the situation and no orgasm came my way Thursday, Friday, or Saturday day.

So I was good and desperate by the time we got ready to have our big weekly scene earlier tonight.  We were lying in her bed together, naked and just waiting for the hotness, when Mistress said, "Edge yourself."

I looked up at her eyes and saw a hardness.  Her lips were closed, and firm.  She expected it of me.  She knew I was going to obey.  A pang of hotness spread through me and my slave heart almost burst.  It took me about thirty seconds before I felt like one good squeeze would give me an orgasm, and damn, did I want to do it.  I backed off and could feel the precum wash up in the wake of the orgasm I didn't have.  Perfect edge.

She nodded, and told me to wait there and not touch myself.  She returned later with a few implements of destruction.

She waited a few seconds, watching me without saying anything, and then said, "Edge yourself again."

I did my level best to get as close as I could without going over.

Then things changed.  "Roll over."

I mumbled a "Yes, Mistress" (I hate how I mumble acknowledgements when I'm headspacey)  and rolled over.  Immediately, before she even did anything, I started to panic.  Pain scenes had been tough lately, and it took me some serious effort to control myself.  She hit me in a variety of places, intending to make me writhe, and then told me to roll over back on my back.

More edging.  Didn't get quite as close as I would have liked one of the times, but it's a tricky art and it's very important not to go over.

Then back on my stomach.  Somewhere during this, I figured out that at least part of my panic was worrying that I was supposed to like it.  I didn't.  I thought it felt awful.  She's perfectly capable of using any of her assorted canes, rods, quirt, and other devices to make me feel wonderful, and she wasn't.  I wasn't going to insult or offend her by acknowledging that yes, it was nasty.  Besides, at that point, I start to enjoy it.  I like having to do things I hate.  It's hot.

I calmed down, managed to breathe correctly (is it four seconds on the inhale and six on the exhale, or six on the inhale and four on the exhale?  Impossible to remember even when I'm not being hurt), and we went through several cycles.  Pain on my stomach, edging on my back.

Evenually, Mistress tossed a condom on the bed next to me.  I said, "Yes, Mistress," opened it up, and put it on.

"I'm not done hurting you yet," she said.  I'm sure I was visibly relieved.  I like to know what's what.  Sucks to let my guard down thinking there's no more pain and then have there be more pain, just because of a simple misunderstanding.  This way, I can stop guessing.

She ordered me to fuck her, and this I did, like a slave, like I am.  Slow, deep, and staring holes into her face.  It's one of my favorite parts of the relationship.  I feel controlled.  I feel owned.  I spend the entire time so close to an orgasm I could have one on a moment's notice, and I never know if I'm going to get one.  It's the same drill every time: she lies on her back, I get between her legs, I crouch down and she helps me inside, and then I sit still for a moment while she... gets lubricated?  She usually needs a few seconds with me inside her, perfectly still, or else it hurts.  When she was ready for me to move, she said, "if you come during this, I will beat you."  I was in heaven.

I didn't come.  Pulled out, onto my back, more hurting.  Then back in again, for more fucking.

It was hard.  Of course it was hard, it was supposed to be hard.  She was loving every minute of it.  Once or twice, I got too close for comfort and had to stop.  That was ok, she wanted me to go as slowly as I needed to, just as long as I didn't come.  Then, a few thrusts later, I realized I'd been a bit too exuberant, had gone a bit too quckly.  I stopped deadly still and felt the blissful white fire creep up the inside of my penis.  It was too much.  Involuntarily, I squeezed.  My facial expression crumpled.  I squeezed again, harder, not wanting to, and again and again.

The last time I came without permission, it was forty strokes.  I'm not really a heavyweight as far as pain goes, but they were bad enough to hurt me, and that's what matters.  I desperately didn't want to go through that again, but she had just told me, earlier, that she'd beat me if I came.

"I tried," I sobbed.  "I tried."

She looked back at me with concern, no doubt having no idea what to say.

I broke down.  "I tried, I tried, I tried," I wailed.  I wondered if I was really crying or just putting on a show.   I couldn't tell.  I can almost never tell.

When I had recovered enough, she invited me to lie down next to her.  "I'm going to punish you," she said.

"I don't feel like I did anything wrong," I replied.  "I gave you everything I had.  Every ounce."  And it was true: from the bottom of my soul to the highest peaks of my mind, everything I had was working towards pleasing her.

She nodded, and waited a bit before continuing.  "I feel like I owe it to you, because I told you I would do it."

I nodded myself, still deeply shaken.  "I don't feel like you owe me anything, but if you feel this is what you have to do, than I accept it."  This reply of mine was something of a departure from my usual position.  Typically, I push towards being punished consistently for everything I get wrong, even small things.

"It's important to me to carry though on my promise," she continued.  "I want you to know that I meant what I said."

A glimmer of understanding crossed my mind; I could start to see why this was important.  "Do you feel like I did anything wrong?" I asked.  A tough confession to ask her to make.

"No, I don't feel like you did anything wrong."

The next part was hard for me, because I knew it was going to be hard for her, but I knew I would have to do it.  I stammered for at least a full sixty seconds before getting it out.  "I am going to accept an unfair punishment, out of service to you."

She nodded gravely.

I asked to go to the bathroom first, and took my time there.  I came back ready, walked into the room, and found her lying with her back facing me.  She invited me to lie down next to her again.

"I'm not going to punish you," she said.

Well, all right.  I really can't say I minded not having to go through that, so I was of course relieved.  Nonetheless, I opened my mouth to argue, but she held up her finger to silence me.

"I'm basicaly safewording."

Even more different.  I put my argument away; I won't argue with a safeword, especially from a top (not that a safeword form a bottom is any lesser in stature.)

Aftercare commenced.  We both needed it.
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