Despite the abrupt lack of continuity in this blog which I cannot guarantee I will rectify (this is as close as I'll get to apologizing for not posting), the gentle reader may remember that "training" is quite a deep part of my sexuality, and "posture" figures prominently in most of my fantasies. So it should be fantastic, and I desperately hope it will come to pass.
She then told me to spend the rest of our hike practicing, which I was nervous about, but acknowledged. It was good.
She then told me that there would be a time where she would punish me if she caught me slouching. And I freaked the hell out.
As near as I can tell, she's understandably nervous. How can you train a slave who's going to lose it every time you exert your control? How can you not feel rejected while you're at it?
At the same time, I know that freaking out is exactly what I needed to do in that situation. I've gotten us both in much, much more trouble by not freaking out than I have by freaking out, and experience has shown that if I'm scared or concerned, then I should express it. I should express it as gently as I can, but I should express it no matter how gentle I might fail to be.
We agreed, at the time, to try the training, and for me to trust her, even if that means getting a little hurt. I can see where she's coming from, since a lot of what I get scared of sometimes is fear itself. At the same time, most of our experience indicates that trust comes from humoring my distrust, and failing to express my distrust only breeds more distrust. Believe me, I'd love to be able to just trust her, and I know (intellectually) that nothing is going to happen that will really be that bad. I just worry I won't be able to the next time I get scared, and if that happens, I won't just get hurt, I'll hurt her. I have a hard time with that.
I'm going to start by assuming that she wants to do this for herself. It's ok that my enjoyment is part of that, but I have to just trust her to act in her own best interest. If not, then I hope it's clear all I asked for was to be able to talk about training comfortably, not actually do it. Yes, the latter is important, but the former is vital.
Given that assumption, I think what I'd like to do is try and use this blog as a way to express my feelings. I've done this before with varying levels of success, but I think the key is to try and keep my statements "me-focused" and not really talk about her. I may not post again for months, or I may have something to say as soon as we (hopefully) start.
Right now, all I have is that I hope she understands that this will be very difficult for me. It's precisely that difficulty that makes it hot (and deep, and emotional, and important), so there's no way around it, but being "eased into" whatever she asks of me will go a long way. I realize she already knows this, but that doesn't change the fact that it will help me relax to have said it, and that's an important thing I can do for her.
The other thing is to address something she mentioned when I freaked out a few weeks ago: I don't think I'm going to try to optimize the training. She once told me that there was a part of me that was absolutely determined to keep myself safe, and the more I thwarted it the more intent it became. I think she was absolutely right. One way to convince this part of me that I'm safe is to get all the information, express my needs, and then demand the needs get met. While that doesn't sound very submissive, it has, in the past, opened the door to deeper submission. For example, I am much less likely to get scared about an oncoming cane stroke in a scene, and my pain tolerance is accordingly much higher than it was several months ago. I become more convinced that this is merely an effective way to negotiate rather than my need to optimize.
On the other hand, just because it works for me, doesn't mean it works for my partner, and there has been a lot of complex emotion about training in the past. We have a much better understanding than we used to, and I think if I keep writing these posts, I'll be able to keep my fears in check.
I explicitly invite my Mistress not to reply to this post. If she does not, I'll assume that she already knew everything she read, had already taken them into account, and believes things will go well. That, or she's currently considering how she wants to respond. However, it's certainly the case that a bit of positive acknowledgement about what she already knew and whether this post changed her strategy would probably help me relax. Additionally, if this is not the time for this project, I'd be happy to learn that too.